Episode 20: The Last Temptation of Lou
11:11 AM
rick
rick
rick
what
i have the most amazing idea
Please tell me you haven't executed on this idea yet
youre gonna love this
so imagine youre reading a story
and you can like make decisions as the story goes along
and get this
the story changes
That's called "choose your own adventure," it's been around forever
yeah i found a couple in a shoebox in your closet
but has it ever been done in a chat
You lost me.
you are in a dark corridor
ahead of you is a closed door
behind you is a grizzly bear
you are holding a ham and a toilet plunger
I'm not sure how this is going to work really
to go through the door jump ahead twenty three lines
to feed the ham to the bear jump ahead twenty three lines
to fight the bear with the plunger jump ahead twenty three lines
So wait..
How am I supposed to jump ahead
rick dont make it hard
I'm not trying to make it hard, it just doesn't make any sense!
to stop being such a dork and just make a decision jump back seven lines
But those lines don't even exist yet
its like you dont even know what fun is
let alone how to have any
I'm trying to, I just don't get it
to get another beginners lesson on this really simple idea go back
um
wait
twenty five lines
well twenty eight now i guess
no twenty nine
Stop.
youre running out of time rick
Time to do what?!
oh my god just pick something
I can't jump ahead to nothing!
the door is locked
the bear eats the ham and your arm
a plunger is a super lame weapon so the bear eats your body and your head and you die
That's not fair!
what
All of my options would end in death!
hmm yeah
is that a problem
Well it doesn't make for much of an adventure
seems like a matter of perspective
maybe you should write the adventure and ill choose
I don't want to write an adventure.
why not
My life is my adventure.
ugh lame
Besides, I promise you, no matter how simple you may think it is, this idea won't work. It's too much trouble. For nothing!
look rick
nm poopies time
1:59 PM
rick
you are in a dark forest with a blind man
he has an axe
That doesn't seem safe.
you didnt duck so you die
You didn't give me a choice!
well obviously the choices werent working
you know how i am with counting
and how you are with just being cool about fun stuff
None of this is "working", you can't just keep telling me I die
that happens sometimes in choose your own adventure stories rick
But I'm not choosing my own adventure!
yeah well
maybe its time you start
2:39 PM
rick
you are buried under six feet of earth
That sounds like I'm already dead
maybe i showed my cards too early on that one
solid tip
you should be my editor
Lou, these things only work if you write the parts and then patch them together.
There's no point in trying to navigate a story that hasn't been written yet.
now youre getting it
Getting what
3:22 PM
rick
rick
rick
ok look
rick ive been thinking
i know you dont like it when i do that but thats kind of my point
when we started talking like this it seemed important
now i wonder if its just a distraction
and maybe you worry too much about me
lets look at the facts
your story is the story of a man
who taught his cat to use instant messaging
and i am not about to judge you for this
it has all meant so much to me
you are very important to me rick
and i love talking with you
but this thing
it became part of who you are somehow
and it doesnt need to be
i have watched you change and grow and i like to think i helped
here and there
the thing is i dont think you need me anymore
not in that way
you need me as a cat
4:04 PM
and rick
theres something else
something about me that you need to know
rick ive decided i am going to become a supervillain
i think we both saw this coming
and ive been doing some reading
and bodega ray talked to some lawyer friend
and it seems we are getting to a point where something called plausible deniability could become important for you
now i dont know what that is
but it sounds like stepping away could really be the right thing to do
for more than one reason
is what im saying
4:28 PM
Um
Wow.
I don't quite know what to say, Lou.
say youre ready rick
i know it
i just need you to know it
I don't know, I mean I hadn't really thought about why we still do this.
I guess for one I like to know right away when my house is flooding
or on fire.
or surrounded by police.
rick i cant promise you those things wont still happen
or are not currently happening
but i dont think any of this was ever really about that anyway
Maybe not.
bottom line rick
what we were both getting out of this was worth a lot
some good times
some damage control maybe
Maybe.
some laughs
Definitely.
but even good jokes run their course right
let someone else tell this one for a while
some spineless hack and his idiot dog maybe
its time for you to choose a new adventure
plunger the bear rick
I guess so.
well maybe not that
but consider that maybe youre stronger and smarter than you think
i mean its also possible that youre dumber
maybe even likely
but thats not the point
Ok, I get it.
I just need to.. you know. Process.
5:03 PM
So, uh
Supervillain, eh?
thats right
im accepting my destiny
i cant tell you much obviously
and you should delete all of this later
but ive been working on some ideas
big ideas rick
I want to say I'm worried, but...
you need to work on that
yeah.
dont sweat it rick
you will be cared for when the revolution comes
Comforting.
so us
were ok right
Yeah, I mean
I'll miss you
no you wont
youll see me every day
im in your house
I know, I know. It's different, that's all.
i know
we will make it work
i look forward to being your cat
ha
I look forward to being your owner
we dont use that word
sorry.
I'm a little sad but I appreciate what you're saying. This is good thinking.
let me tell you
its been exhausting
i swear theres some connection between thinking hard and having to make poopies
I will let you go.
I'll come home in a little bit. Ok?
ok
ok
ok
ok
5:36 PM
No, YOU hang up first
i dont know what that means
Ha. Never mind.
I love you.
i love you too rick
ok
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